My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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