im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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