The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
