she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
