New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
