I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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