my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
