I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
