it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
