you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
