You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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