I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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