Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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