you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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