she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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