Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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