Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
COCAINE IS GR8
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
