I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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