If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
