I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize