mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
