sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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