peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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