i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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