I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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