she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
