I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
