Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Are we in a gay sports bar?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
