I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
