What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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