if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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