all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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