Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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