Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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