Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
