last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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