I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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