Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
