Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
