mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I need a beard to bite.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
