wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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