I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
