I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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