I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize