Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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