last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
