I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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