Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
