i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Randomize
