I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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