Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
