We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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