Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
