I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
