soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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