where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize