I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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