We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
