I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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