Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
